Last revised: May 04, 2005.

Heading BallMatch reports and results
for BRFC 2004 -2005 season

Saturdays

Cranborne 5: Bere Regis 0

And so it ends….. a season that started so well was shattered on the fields of Cranborne by players that obviously play a higher standard in normal weeks, yet today enjoyed their school bully role to the full. Out muscled, out played, out manoeuvred, outclassed, out in the cold and out of the top two for the first time this season on their last game of the season.

It would be a disservice to a wonderful season to dissect this game, suffice to say that Bere were never in the running, or the walking, or even just the slowly shuffling.

Let us dwell on a season that has seen Bere's longest winning run for many a year; a season in which they have beaten every team at least once and the only team to beat the champions; a season in which Shaun and Wayne have scored around 50 goals between them; and a season in which an amazing 46 points stills only gives them fourth place, a full 14 points ahead of the team in fifth.

The future's bright, the future's Regis……..

Dorset League Division Three (North and East)

  

Pl

w

d

l

f

a

gd

Pts

AC Matravers

22

20

1

1

92

20

72

61

Cranborne Reserves

21

16

0

5

74

21

53

48

Lytchett Red Triangle

22

15

2

5

78

31

47

47

Bere Regis

22

15

1

6

65

41

24

46

Gillingham Town 'A'

21

10

2

9

57

44

13

32

Milborne St.Andrew

21

9

0

12

84

65

19

27

Sturminster Marshall Reserves

21

7

2

12

44

56

-12

23

Shaftesbury 'A'

21

6

3

12

54

75

-21

21

Allendale 'A'

21

6

2

13

28

68

-40

20

Handley Sports

22

4

6

12

23

63

-40

18

Child Okeford

22

6

0

16

34

97

-63

18

Stickland United

22

4

3

15

28

80

-52

15

Sundays

Hamworthy Lions 5: Bere Regis 2 (CUP)

A midweek fixture saw Bere's young cubs travel to the delightful Turlin Moor, a ground that makes your average Italian crowd seem like a bunch of boy scouts. Given that Bere have had more pastings than Shippams from the lions this season it was no surprise to see them 4-0 down at half time. However, a bit of pride and a touch of spirit saw a different Bere team in the second. Once again, Nick White found the defensive midfield slot fitted him like a glove and he bearly put a foot wrong. Even when Ian 'Big Mac' Macklin (No Supersize needed here!) was beaten from a superb long range strike Bere continued to hassle and harry and were rewarded when Pete Macklin found the net after a drought longer than an Ethiopian summer. This was soon followed by another from Texas Tom and Bere were starting to enjoy themselves. Sensing the change, the stand in referee (a Hamworthy player if you please) decided to end the game, but Bere at least won the second half.

Hamworthy Lions 6: Bere Regis 2

The final game of the season and it certainly showed. Once again Adam was left with the bare eleven, but they battled and they battled and they were not embarrassed.

The season finished with Bere rock bottom with one win and one draw to their name. Yet in a league with more stars than the Milky Way there is a lot to take away for a team with an average age that would have Jonathan King interested.

A league lower next year, but a year older and a year wiser this team may just surprise some of their critics, provided Chelsea don't come a calling for some of these youngsters!!

Dorset Sunday League Division One

  

Pl

w

d

l

f

a

gd

Pts

Sandford

18

16

2

0

81

19

62

50

Greenridge

18

14

1

3

64

29

35

43

Longfleet St.Marys

18

14

0

4

96

25

71

42

Hamworthy Lions

18

12

1

5

66

37

29

37

Poole Labour Club

18

6

4

8

47

43

4

22

Poole Wanderers

18

6

3

9

36

69

-33

21

Windgreen Corfe Mullen

18

6

2

10

51

67

-16

20

Sturminster Marshall

18

3

3

12

32

68

-36

12

Blandford HMR

18

3

3

12

24

74

-50

12

Bere Regis

18

0

1

17

29

95

-66

1

Lloyds TSB withdrew during the season

Bovington Challengers withdrew before the start of the season.

 

Saturdays

Bere Regis 2: Gillingham 1

Having just lost to Gillingham away, a home win against the same team was quite a nice tonic, although some added gin would have been nice. This was achieved thanks to a classy first half performance that saw some supreme finishing from Messrs Walker and Cope; and a debut defensive performance from Shaun Pettitt that was more polished than the love child of Mr Sheen and Mr Muscle. Let us not dwell on the second half, except to mention a quite astonishing miss from Shaun Cope who rounded three players and with the goal at his mercy from a few yards out managed to lash the ball wide of the mark, Spurs may sign him yet!

AC have already sewn up the league but Bere may yet get second, unless they are stitched up by a few ringers in the Shaftesbury team next week!

Shaftesbury Res 5: Bere Regis 1

Unfortunately, Bere were more stitched up than Frankenstein as Shaftesbury fielded not one player, not two players, but their whole Senior league team against us. Despite being three leagues below them Bere managed to give a good account of themselves and even won the last ten minutes 1-0 with a couple of supersubs making all the difference and Shaun Cope taking advantage of a sublime through ball from Chris to increase his goal tally this season.

Bere now only have to beat the runaway leaders and the third placed team (with added combination players) to keep second place. You would get better odds on Father Dougal becoming the next Pope!

AC Matravars 1: Bere Regis 2

Who would have thought it? AC Matravars, league champions and unbeaten this season. Bere Regis, thoroughly demoralised and with more missing players than your average X-File. A mismatch made in heaven. Yet, Bere took all the points and deservedly so in a game that was all but won in the first five minutes with Whippet's first tackle.

With Kevin away, Darren took on the management role and used all his accountancy knowledge to play the numbers game. AC normally dominate the midfield, so he switched to a 3-5-2 formation, outnumbering them and ensuring that Stu Moorse and Neal Percy could roam free. Whippet and Miller were instructed to 'put themselves about' and within ten minutes Whippet had nailed two midfielders (fairly) (fairly hard I mean!), one off straight away and the other replaced later. Meanwhile it was picnic time for big gay bears as Nick White found space in the anchor role and sprayed the ball around like Beckham should. Shaun Pettitt was cooler than a penguin in an ice box in a freezer in the Arctic at the back; whilst Rob White and Simon Walker were dynamite up front, chasing and harrying for all they were worth. It was no surprise that Bere took the lead as Stu Moorse fired in from the edge of the area with his trusty left foot. It was a huge surprise when they made it two and nobody was more surprised than the goalscorer himself. Finding himself with a bit of time around twenty five yards out Marc Miller sent in a speculative curling shot. It started off somewhere near the corner flag and then curled in slow motion back towards the goal and went in off the angle of crossbar and post. Bere were 2-0 up at half time and, frankly, cruising like Jane Mcdonald on her second series.

The second half was a bit of an eye opener. Downhill and the wind at their backs AC kept up a relentless barrage of attacks that made the Normandy landings seem like a beach party. Yet Shaun, Al and Darren were steadfast and Dean was the rock that would not roll in goal (the diet is working!). With five minutes to go AC finally breached the line, but it was too late and Bere held on for a famous victory.

One more game left and Bere still occupy the second spot, but next week is a visit to Cranborne and only a win will do against the team that is only one point behind but with two games in hand. Just keep praying…..

Sundays

Blandford HMR 3: Bere Regis 1

Und ze results from Blandford….

Bere Regis….nul points

Sturminster Marshall 6: Bere Regis 2

Und ze results from Sturminster Marshall….

Bere Regis….nul points

Saturdays

Handley Sports 0: Bere Regis 2

There are times when football becomes a chore and this was certainly one of them, but without the benefits of a 70 grand a week salary. The wind was bad enough, but when the rain starts to slice through your body even an afternoon's shopping starts to look appealing. In the end this was a workmanlike performance from Bere. Against the wind in the first half Bere needed to keep a clean sheet, which they managed with some comfort. In fact, the best chances fell Bere's way. Spivey managed to slap a header off his infamous forehead that was frantically cleared off the line (or even over the line with the benefit of video replay and a few pints). Then at the death Sean Pettitt screamed a left footer marginally wide of the post. Meantime, Kev Cox's outstanding managerial contribution was managing to get himself booked without even being on the pitch, as he moaned at the referee so much you would think they were married. In the second half, Bere did enough to win the game without really trying too hard. Wayne Cope acrobatically gave them the lead with an overhead kick from a pinpoint Pettitt cross. Soon after, Handley had their only real chance of the match as their forward out-sprinted the defence and rounded the keeper, only for Spivey to clear the ball off the line. That aside it was, like Dean's stomach, all Bere and Shaun Cope finished the game off with a goal that went in straight from his corner kick, his second this year!

Bere Regis 1: Stickland Utd 1

If at the end of the season Bere end up Mother Hubbard they will look back on this day and regret. It's not even as though they can say 'We wuz robbed'. Okay, the referee was about as useful as a European Cup Final ticket in Barcelona. Okay, Wayne and Shaun had enough chances to fill both boots and a couple of wellies. All that aside, Bere were pretty awful!! In the first half, with the wind at their backs, they were lucky not to be 3-0 down in the first ten minutes as they were outplayed by the team second bottom in the league, with only Dean earning his crust in goal with some fine saves. Their passing was poorer than a church mouse who has just been mugged; their tackling was weaker than London's Olympic bid; and as for their shooting, about as straight as Julian Clary! Even their goal was a fluke as Neal Percy floated a cross over that managed to find the top corner, although the build up play was the only passing move of the half. The second half was a bit better, but that's like saying Michael Jackson is a bit better than Gary Glitter. A soft penalty saw Stickland get back into the game and a combination of the post, the bar, the keeper, the referee and the constant misses ensured that Bere ended up with just the one point.

Stur Marshall 5: Bere Regis 2

The following report has been edited for legal reasons:

A complete and utter travesty! The referee was an absolute xxxxxx who sent off Shaun Curtis (whoever he is!) in the first ten minutes for calling him a xxxxxxx xxxxxx, when he actually just called him a xxxxxxx xxxx. Despite this Bere led 2-1 at half time against a team bristling with combination players and thanks to a couple of precision finishes from Simon Walker. The second half was even worse! The xxx made the kind of decisions that would make Collina's hair turn white. Eventually, enough was enough and after xxxx was overruled for yet another offside decision that led to a goal he threw his flag down and told the xxx that he could stick the xxxx up his xxxx. Unfortunately for us he was unable to without a tub of xxxxxxx and a couple of xxxxx, much as we would like to have tried. Yet another defeat and even second now looks in serious trouble. Xxxxxx !!

Gillingham Res 1: Bere Regis 0

Despite blizzard conditions, Bere were still forced to travel to deepest darkest Dorset for a game against another reserve team bristling with combination players. Despite this, and without key players such as Wayne Cope and Adam Moss, Bere gave them a good run for their money.

Things did not look good, though, as Gillingham strolled through straight from the kick off and shaved the crossbar, then camped out in Bere's half for the first twenty minutes. This was thanks to their tricky little French midfielder, so crafty you could stick a tail on him and call him a fox! He ran the show for them, despite only turning up to watch, and made Bere's players look old and clumsy, which some of them are. However, Bere battled and, slowly but surely, weaved their way back into the game. Indeed, arguably the best chances of the game fell Bere's way as Shaun Cope forced a couple of cracking saves and Tony Lumsden missed a peach of a chance from inside the penalty area.

The second half remained tighter than Gordon Brown's purse strings and, as the half wore on, it seemed that one goal would do it. A perfect cross into the area found the outstretched leg of the Gillingham forward and the ball crept in off the far post. Bere never gave up and Andy Curtis was unlucky with two headers just in front of goal, but this was not to be Bere's day.

Bere still remain second, but both Lychett and Cranborne are fast catching up.

Sundays

Longfleet St Mary's 6: Bere Regis 0

Two goals better than last week, Bere must feel a little happier this week. In fact, give them another three weeks and they should achieve a 0-0 draw!! Unfortunately, Kevin Percy's birthday party on the night before meant that Bere were down to eleven players once again and it is all credit to them that they pushed this team as hard as they did.

At least the next game represents a real chance for points against the only team that Bere have beaten this season. Watch this space…..

Bere Regis 1: Lloyds TSB 2

Still watching? As you can see, we have a picture as pretty as Iain Dowie and Peter Beardsley's illegitimate love child (what a player though!!) as Bere lose again. However, thanks to that infamous film director Joan Macklin, this game is now available on video. The director has managed to mix several genres into one movie to bring you an absolute blockbuster. We have the combination of the elegance and brutality of Coxxy's tackling in Crouching Tiger Hidden Kevin. We have the ball punching power from Rocky I, II and III in the shape of Ian 'Safe Knees' Macklin. Something for the ladies? We have both Sean and Ryan Pettitt in Deuce Bigalow, our male gigolos, although we miss seeing Ryan scoring on camera, one for the extended DVD perhaps. The comedy is provided by Adam 'Sandler' Moss swinging from the crossbar, throwing mud at angry Scotsmen, bouncing the ball off the head of even more angrier Scotsmen and keeping the crowd in stitches. Buy it now from all good video stores and look out for the sequel…..Sandford away next week, with more scoring than American Pie and Basic Instinct put together.

Sandford 5: Bere Regis 0

If there is any such thing as a 'good' 5-0 defeat, I suppose this was it. Sandford may have won, but there was not much between them…apart from the goals!! Sandford march on towards the title, but Bere must feel that their luck will change soon.

Bere Regis 1: Poole Wanderers 2

Not this week though! With the Saturday side not playing Adam drafted in the spine of the team in the shape of Spivey, Mahoney and Cope and it would be no exaggeration to say that if Bere were any more dominant then they would be Margaret Thatcher. Flowing moves, one touch passing, Bere had everything except the final touch as the Wanderers penalty area was more charmed than an Irishman in a field full of four leaf clovers. Unbelievably, it was Wanderers who took the lead in a moment that will have Ian Macklin putting his head in his hands for many a month, except that in this form he would miss! An innocuous long range shot barely reached Ian and as he casually moved to control it the ball hit the inside of his shin and trickled into the net. No longer Ian 'The Cat', he has now been renamed Ian 'The Catastrophe'. No matter though, with the amount of pressure Bere were exerting it was no surprise that they equalised, a precision finish from Wayne Cope as he lobbed the onrushing keeper.

The second half continued in the same vein, yet it was Wanderers who again took the lead. In a penalty decision softer than a velvet puppy Dean was adjudged to have pushed the Wanderers forward in the box (painful!) and the penalty was duly slotted away. From thereon in the Wanderers goal was in more danger than a school trip to Neverland. Shots rained in on the Wanderers goal, yet still the score remained 2-1. As Bere became more desperate, two corners in the final minutes encouraged our Jolly Green Giant to leave the safety of his goal and attempt a Peter Schmeichel, red nose and all. To no avail, though, and Wanderers were relieved to hear the final whistle and steal all the points in a crime to rival anything Agatha Christie could dream up.

Saturdays

Milborne St Andrew 0: Bere Regis 3

Windy, wet and miserable! No, I am not talking about our erstwhile manager, more the weather conditions for this local derby. Things were not helped by Milborne's rather original tactics of padlocking both teams out of the ground. This proved somewhat ironic as Bere's defence proved just as secure against a team that has been averaging 5 goals a game this season. Despite the necessity of having to play Adam Moss at left back, who looked about as natural in that position as Jackie Stallone's face, Milborne's celebrated forward line could not get past Bere's veteran defence. Milborne had most of the play with the wind at their backs in the first half, but that ageing trio of ex-Milborne players, Paddles, White and Spivey, had a point to prove. Along with Dean and Adam on the flanks they ensured that Milborne had only long range shots and a spectacular overhead kick from their Philippino international (the lengths some teams will go to in getting players!) for all their effort. In fact, it was Bere who should have gone in at the break with a lead as Shaun squandered a fabulous chance and Squint had a blatant penalty turned down.

Bere soon started to turn the screw in the second half and they certainly deserved to break the deadlock. A well rehearsed free kick routine saw Rob White blast the ball into the wall and Mick Mahoney volley the rebound into the bottom corner of the net. Milborne redoubled their efforts and could have equalised but for some last ditch defending by Dean and some athleticism from Terry 'The Cat (Litter)' Vater in goal. The second goal made all the difference and Shaun Cope supplied it with the flukiest, or the best, corner you are likely to see, whipped straight into the far corner of the goal. Shaun did say at half time that he was going to do this, but he also said that Spurs would beat Crystal palace so you cannot believe everything he says. Bere were certainly on top from that moment on and the tackling from Squint and Mahoney in midfield to protect this lead was a joy to behold. Milborne gambled more players forward but Bere's defence remained solid and a powerful header from Dean started Bere's best goal of the day. Wayne received the ball on the left and picked out his brother on the right with pinpoint accuracy. One touch to control and then a power drive from Shaun seared into the far corner of the net. Milborne strived to find that elusive goal, but Rob White was calling all the shots and Paddles was saving them. Bere ran out deserved winners and remain second in the league.

One final point to mention from this game is the use of technology to assist referees. In particular, a set of sensors on the heels of their boots so that when they walk backwards they can sense any cheeky player bending over behind them and not fall 'A over T' into the mud. Of course, Rob White was innocently tying up his boots at the time…….

Allendale 0: Bere Regis 3

So Arsenal and Man Utd think they have keeper problems. At least their keepers don't miss the game because they have a lot of work on like Paddles did this week. With Dean still nursing an injured thumb it was left to Neal Percy, still smarting from the five goals last time, to fill the gap between the sticks. He certainly was an inspiration as Bere struggled against a spirited Allendale team. The first half went according to plan. Simon Walker headed in a pinpoint Shaun Cope corner; Squint headed in a pinpoint Wayne Cope cross; Rob White shouted a lot; Darren Spivey kicked or headed anything that moved, except the ball, and Dean sliced the ball like Jack The Ripper on overtime. Typical fare, lit up by an instinctive one handed save from Neal to deny Allendale right at the death. Unfortunately, Bere never really came out for the second half. Perhaps they were still thinking about the money stolen from their changing rooms at half time, even with Inspector Moorse in the team. Allendale certainly took advantage and slowly and surely started to take over the game. They shaved the post, they hit the bar, they had numerous free kicks on the edge of the area, but nothing could get past Neal 'Safe Hands' Percy. With his goal more charmed than a gypsy in a field of four leaf clovers Allendale were never going to score and in the dying minutes, as Allendale pressed, Bere took advantage of a quick free kick and Andy Curtis shot home. Bere retain their second place and look forward to the visit of a resurgent Child Okeford next Saturday.

Bere Regis 8: Child Okeford 1

What can I say? On a muddy pitch; in the pouring rain; against a team that we beat only 1-0 away; without Rob White (off to reign in Spain on a plane); and Paddles; only two subs and one of those was Kev Cox; this game could not have looked any more like a banana skin if you painted it yellow and gave it to a monkey! Yet what we got was a magnificent first half performance that ended with Bere six goals to the good and the game virtually over as a contest.

This game was won by Bere's midfields and forwards as their opposite numbers felt more pressure than Andy Fordham's belt buckle. As early as the third minute this pressure forced an error and Sean Pettitt pounced to fire a shot into the far corner. A perfect through ball from Wayne found Si Walker galloping through and a delightful finish made it two. Shaun Cope could not stand to sit back and watch and fired in one of his own. Wayne Cope then got in on the act with a precise finish off the post to make it four and with the job done made way for Stu Moorse to relive his glory days (both of them) on the left. This allowed Sean Pettitt to move up front and carve out two beautiful chances for Shaun Cope, who finished in style with his hat trick completed by a perfectly struck volley from fully 25 yards out. Whilst the glory goes to the forwards, this was a half built on the tackling and passing of Squint and Mahoney in midfield, showing more bite than Janet Street Porter.

After this, the second half was always going to be a bit of a let down. It took an Okeford goal to liven Bere up again and they were soon creating chances again. Simon Walker was looking particularly lively today and tempted the defender into a challenge that had penalty written all over it. Despite the calls for Spivey to take it, he was one of the few in the team old enough to remember what happened to Gareth Southgate and insisted that Shaun Cope should make the game secure. One perfectly taken penalty later it was all over bar the shouting, which is why Kev Cox brought himself on as he let off a tirade that made Roy Keane seem like a cherub in comparison. Simon Walker finished off the scoring with the most precise finish you will ever see, passing the ball into the corner with the touch of an artist. There was still time for the most surprising act of the day, the referee giving an offside that the Okeford linesman missed (for those non-veterans, this is on a par with spotting a yeti riding the Loch Ness monster), but there were no more goals for the soggy crowd of die hard Bere fans.

Bere still lie second, but with a much improved goal difference and the hope that AC are starting to look over their shoulders.

Sundays

Bere Regis 2: Sturminster Marshall 2

The green shoots of recovery are certainly noticeable. A full squad of fourteen players is most welcome. A determined defence of youngsters such as Moss, Moorse and Owers, with old man Rogerson for that wise old head. Something for the ladies in midfield with both Pettitt brothers and a Walker..oh yes, and Mick Mahoney. Then, the goal machine Pete Macklin and Texas Tom Bennett up front. There was even the fearsome sight of Wayne Cope on the bench this week. With such a team, a draw was almost a disappointment. Goals from Pete and Wayne gave Bere this share of the points and a hope that there are better things to come.

Bere Regis 3: Hamworthy Lions 6

'Are you West Quay in disguise?' the crowd should have chanted. A few familiar faces, more attitude than Ann Robinson with PMT and a few decent footballers, it was all too familiar for the Sunday veterans on the sidelines as the old nemesis came back to haunt them. And yet…..Bere could have got something from this game too. Hamworthy took the lead, Texas Tom pegged them back. Hamworthy went ahead again, Shaun Pettitt pegged them back. Hamworthy hammered in a third, Texas Tom pegged them back once more. A fourth goal for Hamworthy, Bere ran out of pegs!! Two more goals for the Lions ensured all three points, helped by a Grobbelaar moment from Ian Macklin in goal as he raced out to the ball only to be foiled by a swirling wind and a bit less pace than he thought he had.

This young team can certainly take heart from a gutsy performance that would certainly have beaten lesser teams. Away to the leaders next week will not be a walk in the park, but points are certainly available against lesser teams in the weeks to come. They may be bottom of the league at the moment, but is that 'The Great Escape' I can hear……

Longfleet St Marys 8: Bere Regis 1

Sadly no, I think its 'The Great Pretender'! One minute, Bere are matching the league leaders and then they lose a goal, or two, or three. Then they come out for the second half and lose a goal, or two, or three..and then it's the final whistle. Yes, they always score and this time it was Texas Tom slowly catching Pete at the top of the marksmen's charts. However, their defence is about as solid as Michael Jackson's and they certainly don't find it childsplay!!

Never mind at least you don't play teams like this away from home every week…..except for next week in the Cup……

Longfleet St Mary's 6: Bere Regis 0

Two goals better than last week, Bere must feel a little happier this week. In fact, give them another three weeks and they should achieve a 0-0 draw!! Unfortunately, Kevin Percy's birthday party on the night before meant that Bere were down to eleven players once again and it is all credit to them that they pushed this team as hard as they did.

At least the next game represents a real chance for points against the only team that Bere have beaten this season. Watch this space…..

The Boxing Day Extravaganza

Old Gits 10: Young Whippersnappers 5

Revenge is a dish best served cold and it was flippin' freezing on this Boxing Day morning as the Old Gits trooped out to take back the trophy so impudently taken from them last year. You could certainly see how much it means to them as the Old Gits pulled out all the stops to bring some Bere Regis legends back to life. The old favourites were, obviously, still there (Jimmy 'The Riddler'Green; Adrian 'The Joker' Moore; Linden 'Catwoman' White; and Pip' The Penguin' Evans) to scrape the mould off boots still not cleaned from last year. This year, though, some raw aggression was needed and so both Moss brothers were present (on a strictly raw meat diet for the past week), as well as 'Scatman' Allen, Gaz Pitfield and the piece de resistance…Steve Cheeseman, a man who doesn't even know how to spell friendly! They even had room to include a little bit of trickery, in the form of Chris Oram, and the sheer spending power of Dougie Moorse, club sponsor (I am sure Mr Abramovich would get a game for Chelsea if he asked) and father of the infamous Moorse brothers (given the skills he showed us, their mother must have been one hell of a footballer!). The Young Whippersnappers were taking things just as seriously, with a team that consisted of almost all the Saturday and Sunday side put together, a guest appearance from Nick 'Rooney' White, as well as the drafting in of young Stu Moorse from his debauched university life style to remember some of his glory days (both of them!). The scene was set; the old gits had oiled both inside and outside; Linden had sellotaped his knees back together (I kid you not!); Pete Larder had pulled on the keeper's jersey (I kid you not!!!); Let Battle Commence……

As usual, it was the Old Gits who started the brightest and were all over the youngsters for the first minute, Oram showing us what we have been missing with a delightful cross and Spivey showing us why he remains in defence with a laughable volley. Once the effects of the alcohol had worn off the Old Gits, the Young Whippersnappers started to give them a lesson in total football. With the defensive capabilities of Adam Moss, Al Moorse and Luke White; a midfield cornucopia including Stu Moorse, Simon Walker and Neal Percy; and a front line including Wayne Cope, Shaun Cope and Pete Macklin (who have scored about 653 goals between them this season) Bere needed something special in defence. Unfortunately, all the Old Gits had was the whiff of Special Brew from the likes of Paul and Kevin Moss, a defensive partnership that ranks alongside Morecambe and Wise for sheer talent. It was said that Kevin Moss covered every blade of grass in this game, but that was only by lying on it as he was put on his backside more times than Frank Bruno by Neal 'Twinkletoes' Percy. Goals started to pour past a beleaguered Rob White in goal as even Kev Cox got in on the act, obviously still believing he is a young man, with a pinpoint header past his own keeper. Shaun was like the proverbial fox in the chicken Cope, picking his spot and scoring at will. Even Carl Dyke got in on the act with a well placed shot past Robbelaar White. Desperate times called for desperate measures and there is no one more desperate than Dacre. Realising that Stu Moorse was their focal point and with the added luxury of playing with no referee, he began to carve him like a Christmas turkey, one particular tackle so vicious you could see Dougie making a mental note to charge an extra 10% next time Earl goes shopping at Spar. Eventually this tactic worked as the Old Gits worked their socks off knocking the youngsters boots off and Kev Cox pulled one back to make up for his earlier mistake. Pete Larder was working miracles in the goal, though, and it remained 5-2 until the last minute of the half, when he let a simple cross through his arms and into the goal.

The second half was a different story altogether. An inspired tactical switch to play the old 8-3-8 formation and boot the ball up front worked wonders. A goal from Linden soon after the break pulled it back to 5-4, then came the turning point of the game. Kev Cox created a bit of space for himself on the half way line and slotted a pinpoint pass for Spivey to chase. Many thought he would be no match for the young defender, but like a cheetah he sprinted past him. Many thought his shot would miss by a country mile, but like a bullet it flew into the bottom corner. Many thought they would never hear the end of this…and it is very likely that they will be right!! Having drawn level, there was only going to be one winner now. Kev Cox curled in a peach, Linden White pulled out a plum, Adrian Moore lost his cherry, and Jimmy Green showed us his banana with a curling effort into the top right hand corner from fully 30 yards that had goal written all over it from the moment it left the magical boot. The Young Whippersnappers were in pieces, quite literally, as whenever they approached the Old Gits defence the likes of Paul Moss, Gaz Pitfield, Earl Dacre and Steve 'Hacker' Cheeseman hit them so hard their teeth rattled. The superior fitness, or fatness in some cases, showed in the end as the Old Gits won the second half 7-0 and the whole game 10-5.

The trophy is back in its rightful place, the drinks are on the bar and all is right again in Boxing Day, until next year……..

Saturdays

Bere Regis 1: Lytchett RT 0

A nice easy game to blow away the cobwebs is what the doctor ordered. Unfortunately, it must have been an NHS doctor as Bere's first game back was against the team that had hammered them 5-1 in the last game before Christmas. Thankfully, the situation was the same for both sides as Lytchett had not played for a few weeks. Even better news was the return of some key Bere players in the shape of White, Lumsden and Cope, the spine of a team that had turned to jelly without them.

Playing into the wind in the first half (yes, Spivey lost the toss again!) Bere had to battle to keep in contention and Dean's first Saturday game in goal was a real test. He was more than equal as he dealt with two one on one situations with consummate ease, Bere's No. 3 keeper indeed! Given the amount of possession that they had, it was some credit to Bere's defence and hard working midfield that these were the only two clear chances Lytchett had in the first half. In fact, as Bere finally knocked off some of the rust they could easily have scored a couple themselves near the end of the half as Shaun Cope hit the near post from a difficult angle and the far post with a thunderbolt of a shot that came back to Squint so fast it was all he could do to knock it just past the gaping goal.

In the second half with the wind at their backs Bere barely looked troubled. Lytchett were kept to long range shots, which Dean gobbled up except for one Roy Carroll moment to keep the crowd on their feet. As the half wore on, Bere just kept getting closer and closer to that elusive goal. Finally, with 15 minutes to go, Neal Percy hit a near perfect corner to the back post and Squint volleyed gleefully home. The final quarter of an hour had the crowd on the edge of their seats (if they had any), but Bere's two old gits and two young whippersnappers in defence proved impassable. Meanwhile, the forwards were finding more and more gaps as Lytchett pressed and should have wrapped the game up with several gilt edged chances. As it was, Rob and Spivey slowed the pace at every opportunity to kill time, despite Kevin Cox being more eager than a beaver on uppers! One final heart stopping cross into the area in the final seconds was insolently headed away by Spivey, to be followed by the final whistle and scenes of jubilation not seen since Al Moorse last helped with the nets.

The result not only gave Bere their first win in weeks and a modicum of pride after their humiliation, it also meant that they leapfrogged Lytchett back into second place in the league. There is still a long way to go yet though in this season and the only thing you can rely on with Bere is their unreliability……

Sundays

Bere Regis 1: Greenridge 4

So what did Santa have in his sack for this Sunday team then? Little Saint Nick White was still injured. The youngsters were still off playing with their playstations. Steve Thurston tried his hand at Colin Macrae rallying, and not the playstation game. The only thing that the long suffering manager Adam Rogerson could be thankful for was that he himself was not injured. Spoke too soon…..the second half saw an injury to Adam and Bere were struck down to ten men.

Despite all this and despite losing 4-1 and despite it being cold and wet and windy, this reporter (with exclusive access into the hallowed changing rooms, what do you mean nobody else wants to!) found the Regis players in good humour after the game. They had battled well against a tricky team; they had not been outplayed, even when down to ten men; and they had even taken the lead. A near post corner from Adam found Ryan Pettitt and he exploded into a whirlwind of arms and legs to unleash an overhead kick from nowhere into the net. The main reason for the good humour, though, was Ian Macklin's recollection of his booking. A penalty decision against Bere meant some frustration and Ian took it all out on the ball, that flew like a bullet into the stomach of a Greenridge player who dropped like a stone. He may not be laughing when he receives the £8 fine.

Next to come, the old foe Sturminster Marshall and, hopefully, the green shoots of recovery seen today will finally bloom into flower.

Mini Soccer (Under 8's)

No games….its Christmas!!!

Saturdays

Stickland Utd 3: Bere Regis 8

In the bleak mid winter, frosty wind made the players moan like hell. In conditions that would make penguins put on their jackets Bere were out to continue their winning streak. In the end it looked quite comfortable; in the beginning it looked extremely uncomfortable. Despite taking the lead within the first two minutes thanks to that goal machine Wayne Cope, Stickland had not read the script and had the temerity to equalise. Simon Walker put Bere ahead again, only for Stickland to equalise again as Neal Percy (our deputy, deputy keeper) kicked the ball straight to their forward. Right said White as he strode forward to put the Regis into the lead once more and this time there was no reply. Another from Shaun Cope this time put Bere 4-2 up at half time and Coxxy could breathe more easily and give the hairdryer treatment a miss for once, it never works on Spivey anyway given his current hairstyle.

A confident Regis team eased through the second half with little problem and, frankly, could have made it double figures but for several instinctive saves from the Stickland keeper. Shaun and Wayne bagged another each; Micky got his first of the season; and even Dean Rogerson got on the score sheet with one of his trademark bullet headers. At 8-3 both teams were begging for the final whistle and relief from a wind icier than a look from Ann Robinson, but the referee made the teams wait until the last second before allowing them a warm shower and a cold beer. Onwards and upwards, Bere remain top of the league but the crunch match against AC was just around the corner.

Bere Regis 1: AC Matravars 3

One day, Bere will play one of these games with a full squad and win it. One day, a close decision will go Bere's way. One day, Spurs will win the league, Kev Cox will stop complaining and reality TV will be more interesting than watching paint dry…but it wont be in my lifetime!!

Manchester United can choose from a host of internationals in time of crisis; Arsenal has the cream of young European talent; Bere have to travel to Lytchett Joinery to beg Linden 'The Legend' White back out of retirement and into the fray. Despite his joints being as creaky as his staircases he still never let the team down and was soon in the action, putting his face in where it hurts (which explains his rugged good looks!). Despite lacking their normal keeper and their top goal scorer (damn that Manor Farm flu epidemic!), Bere were giving a decent enough account of themselves until a brutal tackle knocked Squint out of the game. From that moment on, AC started to boss the midfield and the game and it was all Bere could do to hold on. Stout defending was the order of the day and Bere almost held out until half time but for a controversial goal. A quick elbow in Rob's head and a handball with the other and the AC forward was through and finished perfectly.

Bere started the second half at a canter and were soon back to the good old days with a battling performance interspersed with some intricate passing. Yet against the run of play AC nicked another controversial goal. As all Bere's defenders looked to the linesman for an offside flag the AC forward neatly chested the ball down and lobbed Linden from 25 yards out. This only galvanised Bere further and Mick Mahoney gave Bere a lifeline with a screaming 30 yard shot into the top corner that had class written all over it. Game on and Bere redoubled their efforts in search of an equaliser. Shaun Cope just missed one, Kev Cox could have had another, but all this attacking meant that the AC midfield saw more space than Patrick Moore and they were good enough to take advantage. A quick through ball gave the young AC forward a straight run at goal and, despite Spivey's valiant effort to catch him, he just managed to steer the ball past Linden for the winner.

The run was finally halted and Bere were relegated to second place, but still within sniffing distance of AC. There is still the Cup to think about……

Bere Regis 1: Broadmayne 3

But don't think too long about it!!

On a day when hangovers and colds abound and the spectre of injuries hangs like a cloud, the last thing you need is a bunch of cloggers from West Dorset. After two minutes Bere had missed two clear chances and looked impressive. After ten minutes they had lost Rob White to injury and two more players were hobbling like Tiny Tim in a hopscotch match. The tide had turned and as the Broadmayne players realised they could get away with manslaughter they flew into the challenges with relish. Thankfully, their football was not as good as their tackling and they never really carved out any decent chances. Even their first half goal was a hit and hope that Paddles would get nine times out of ten, shame the one was today! Never mind, there is always Wayne Cope to save the day and he equalised on the stroke of half time to give Bere some hope.

Unfortunately, Bere were never up for this particular fight and as Broadmayne continued their onslaught Bere withdrew into their shells. Realising that this thuggery was extremely effective Broadmayne then resorted to actual violence with an elbow into the face of Adam Moss, who had kept the forward in his pocket all game. Thankfully, the referee was on hand to listen to the Bere linesman and give the forward a severe telling off. That will teach him I'm sure!! Not content with this, the referee felt he would allow play on after a clash of heads had felled one Bere player and before you knew it Broadmayne had scored from the ensuing corner. His coup de grace was to overrule the Bere linesman and allow Broadmayne a quick throw to score their final goal. Referees are a dying breed and after a game like this you can see why!!

With the chance of Cup glory snatched from them, Bere now must concentrate on the league for any chance of silverware this year….and what better place to recover their poise than the team below them in what should be a titanic battle!

Lytchett RT 5: Bere Regis 1

I do believe the Titanic sank!!

The only good thing to come out of this game is the ensuing winter break and the chance for a few of Bere's players to recover from their injuries. Neal Percy (all five foot five of him) was in goal for Bere once again and, despite his heroic efforts, Bere's squad is starting to look as thin as Natalie Appleton on the Atkins diet.

We will reflect on the first thirty minutes, when Bere were 1-0 up and cruising thanks to another Wayne Cope precision finish. We will mention the injury to Wayne Cope that stretched Bere even thinner.

We will skip to the final minute when a supreme volley on the run from Spivey whacked against the cross bar.

The rest I will leave to your imagination………

Sundays

Bere Regis 1: Blandford HMR 4

The long run of defeats continues as Bere played their nearest rivals (second bottom) and once again came off second best. Despite their best efforts the team just cannot find the opposition goal, whilst their defence is about as solid as a sieve. Despite this, the youngsters still turn up each week in the hope of that one elusive win and if Pete Macklin continues his own purple patch then you never know your luck. Another goal this week to add to his tally; shame about the four from Blandford HMR.

Bere will hope to start reversing some of these scorelines soon…..

Poole Wanderers 4: Bere Regis 1

Well, they managed to reverse the scoreline, unfortunately Bere were playing away!! Adam struggled to get a team together this week, but they still started brightly enough and could easily have been several ahead by half time. This is the story of their season, though, and once one goal was conceded heads were soon dropping lower than David Blunkett's morals. The one bright light again was Peter 'I can't stop scoring' Macklin, whose stock rises higher with each match, soon he will be quoted on the FTSE!

Poole Labour next week and the promise of another heavy defeat, yet there is always hope…….

Poole Labour 10: Bere Regis 3

The only hope that Bere had disappeared with the sight of the referee coming out in a Poole Labour top (yes really!).

The one thing you can guarantee at the moment, though, is goals from the goal machine Peter Macklin. At the moment, he seems to be finding the net more regularly than Bill Gates and another brace will soon have a certain Mr Abramovich reaching for his cheque book. The manager would certainly not accept a player swap, especially if he has to spell Eiddur Gudjohnsen each week!! Let us not forget Texas Tom's contribution as well as he contributed another to his total.

However, we will try to forget the rest of this game if we can!

Bere Regis 3: Windgreen, Corfe Mullen 5

What can I say? In a game beset with difficulties Bere were within five minutes of grasping a precious point, only for Windgreen to snatch it away from them. Firstly, the referee did not turn up (man flu I believe) and so young Adam Moss bravely stepped into the breach. I would like to say he was more toilet Collina than Pierluigi Collina, but actually he was really quite good, perhaps he has finally found his best position!! Then an injury to the old warhorse Dean Rogerson forced Adam to make a switch, which should have been Adam Moss but for Nick 'rulebook' White who convinced the opposition that this was not allowed and turned Adam Rogerson a rather fetching shade of purple all in one go. Then there was the assimilation of the Robbie Savage of Dorset into the midfield, Paul Fripp. Unfortunately, his only real similarity was in the long flowing golden locks as he turned out to be more like Robbie Mild Mannered, although the skill level was certainly on a par. Even after all this, Bere still came extremely close to the draw as Pete Macklin volleyed a left foot screamer into the net for his second and the equaliser (Texas Tom had also bagged another) with only minutes to go. Unfortunately, the only script you get for the Sunday side at the moment is a horror story and two goals from Windgreen in as many minutes left Bere empty handed once more.

The Christmas break should give the players the chance to rest and recuperate and request the one thing they really need from Santa….a win!!

Saturdays

Bere Regis 6: Allendale Res 0

After a rest week last week due to an administrative error at the DCFA (they are human after all!!), Bere were forced to play their fifth home game in a row, even David Beckham plays away more than us! As a result, the home crowd were treated to the sight of two old favourites returning to the fray. The familiar sight of Mick Mahoney, back from suspension, was a welcome sight for all but the opposition as he slotted back into midfield like he had never been away. More surprising was the unfamiliar sight of Reg Fripp back in his old refereeing togs after a last minute drop out from the official referee. The ten year gap had not dulled his sense for the odd late challenge or foul throw and I am sure Rob White's dulcet tones of encouragement would have brought all kinds of memories flooding back.

As for the game itself, Allendale were no match for a super-confident Bere side who gave them a lesson in the art of football. Without ever moving into top gear they cruised through this fixture with the minimum of fuss. The icing on the cake was, once again, provided by the Cope brothers as they helped themselves to a hat trick each, Wayne's being his fourth in five league matches. One each before half time, Shaun's being a sublime finish from a classic through ball courtesy of Micky's left foot (welcome back Mick, all is forgiven!), and Bere had enough of a lead to cut loose in the second.

After the half time oranges (sponsored by Graham Price, home of the chocolate orange), Bere were more rampant than Stan Collymore on Viagra. With a solid midfield and defence Dave never had to make one save in the whole match, I swear I saw Rob yawning at one point! Wayne and Shaun could then just pick Allendale apart goal by goal, either through a little bit of twinkle toed magic from Wayne or a little bit of opportunism from Shaun intercepting a goal kick and running straight in to score against a keeper who made a scarecrow look positively animated. Having said that, the keeper kept Bere down to single figures, including an instinctive save from the move of the match, started by Squint in his own half and almost finished by him ten passes and both flanks later. I suppose we cannot let this match report pass without mentioning Spivey's most memorable contribution, a moment to be savoured and retold by all for the rest of the season I'm sure. A wicked free kick could only be palmed across the goal line by the keeper and with Allendale players lurking dangerously Spivey was first to react and, instinctively, knocked it behind from almost off the goal line itself. A piece of inspired defending you might think, except that the gaping goalmouth was Allendale's not Bere's! There is about as much chance of Spivey's shots going straight as your average pub landlady so he, quite rightly, slunk back to his defensive position where he belongs.

Another 6-0 win and Bere have won every game so far, yet still trail both Lytchett and AC Matravars, having played one less game. I can see this league being tighter than the leotards in an Eric Prydds video!

Child Okeford 0: Bere Regis 1

Finally….Bere's first away game and what a close affair it was! After maximum points from the first five games there were many in the team who felt that this would be like taking candy from a baby,….some planning birthday parties….some supping pre-match pints etc. In a way it was, if the baby was a snarling, feisty baby in a muddy swamp! Kev's pre-match talk did not help as he predicted a walkover and a goal rush without realising that the opposition could hear him in the changing room next door, talk about reverse psychology. I swear I heard their manager shouting he would just 'love it' if they beat us…love it!!

Needless to say, Okeford were more motivated than Mr Motivator on a caffeine and Red Bull cocktail. They flew at Bere with the kind of tenacity normally only seen in pit bull terriers and Irish midfielders. On a small pitch, Bere could find no space for their silky skills, the only thing they did find was a linesman who was at the top of his game. Chances were few and far between for both sides, with Okeford having the best of them but, fortunately, missing them. It says something about Bere's standard of play that the clearest chance fell to Dean and, being the defender that he is, he not only missed the target but the ball as well.

After Kev supplied a half time rocket a full six days before bonfire night Bere looked more like their old selves in the second half and soon opened the scoring. You can't keep a good Cope down and this time it was Shaun's turn to make a match winning contribution with a delightful finish to a pinpoint cross from the ever eager Simon Walker on the left. Although Okeford continued to battle, Bere's superior firepower started to tell and in the end it was only thanks to the fact that Wayne had left his scoring boots at home that it was not more. Bere even had the ball in the net, only for Okeford's linesman to disallow it as his eagle eyes spotted an infringement that the referee and the players had all missed. What an absolute asset he was! Thankfully it did not matter and Bere's 100% record remained intact….just!!

Bere Regis 4: Piddlehinton 0 (Junior Cup)

Little did we know that we would meet this team again after a bad tempered 4-4 draw in a pre-season 'friendly'. Considering Bere had fielded a scratch team that day confidence was once again high coming into the game.

This confidence was soon deflated as Bere were forced to wait an additional twenty minutes for the opposition keeper to turn up. With such a well oiled machine as this, any disturbance to their pre-match routine was bound to put them out of kilter, or to put it another way most of them were puffed out after belting the ball at Dave for such a long time. Piddlehinton certainly started the brighter of the two teams and Dave had to be on his toes for most of the first half as Bere were often cut to ribbons by some slick pass and move football. Going forward, they were certainly one of the better teams Bere have faced this season and it took a while for the defenders to find the attacker's feet. Thankfully, their defence was not as good and with Neal Percy once again on top form tormenting the full backs it was only a matter of time before a Cope pounced. Having missed two chances from mere yards out, you would never have thought that Cope would be Shaun again. However, give him a left volley from 25 yards out and he sure knows where the top corner is as he hit another belter to put Bere into the lead. Bere even managed a second just before half time thanks to the guile of Rob White. Smarter than your average Bere he cut into the area and was savagely barged off the ball for a clear cut penalty, at least that is what the referee thought. Despite more protest than the countryside alliance the decision stood and Shaun clinically dispatched the spot kick to give Bere a rather fortunate lead at half time.

The second half was, once again a different story as Bere dominated the opening exchanges with a bit more fire than the first half performance. It was, therefore, somewhat surprising when Piddlehinton earned a dubious penalty as the ball struck Dean's hand in the box. Dave Ramsey was in match winning form, though, and stuck out a leg to divert the ball round the post. From thereon in the game was all but over. Bere's defence looked more solid as the game went on and the introduction of Andy Curtis up front kept the opposition defence pinned back. It was Andy who put the game beyond doubt midway through the half with a clear run on goal and an extremely accurate mishit into the bottom corner. Shaun Cope provided the icing on the cake from a devastating through ball by Mahoney and the deftest of finishes for yet another Cope hat trick, Kev Cox is certainly regretting offering a pint per hat trick! The opposition tried to rouse themselves, but unfortunately their cries of 'Come on the Piddle' only provided a source of amusement for Bere's jubilant supporters.

Next stop the quarter finals and a chance to mix it with the big boys. I am sure that none of them really fancy a trip to the famous Bere Rec, a fortress that makes Navarone look like a Lego set!

Bere Regis 4: Shaftesbury Res 2

Once again, Kev Cox was able to name an unchanged side to try and keep Bere's 100% record going for yet another week. The task seemed simple enough given that Shaftesbury were still nursing their wounds from a 15-2 mauling the previous week, but yet again Bere had to work hard for the win.

Electing to play against the wind in the first half all that was needed was a lead and Bere got exactly that, despite playing like a team of strangers. The understanding was on a par with Beckham's knowledge of the theory of relativity; wasted passes, woeful finishing and a defence as solid as Fallujah's. Bere took the lead in the first minute when Simon Walker planted an inch perfect header in off the post from a precise Wayne Cope cross, yet Bere did not capitalise on this. Chances came and went and it took an equaliser from Shaftesbury to wake them up again. Shaun Cope blasted an unstoppable free kick into the top corner, yet back came Shaftesbury with another equaliser. Thankfully, Neal Percy was on top form once again and minutes later mesmerised the defence with a mazy run from the halfway line past several defenders before lifting the ball deliciously over the keeper. Running to the touchline he expected a bevy of beautiful girls to embrace him, only to find Kev Cox with arms wide open…I am sure a hug from Kev is better than nothing.

A 3-2 lead at half time was probably deserved, but better was expected in the second. Did it get any better….did it heck!! Whilst they did enough and never looked in any serious trouble, Bere are starting to look like a team that Graham Taylor would be proud of. Long ball passing and harrying the defenders seems to be the order of the day. As Brian Clough once said, if God wanted us to play football in the air he would have put grass up there. A fumble by the keeper from a vicious inswinging corner by Neal Percy gave Bere a fourth goal, but there was nothing much else to see in a half that would make Test cricket seem positively riveting. The only excitement came when things became a bit sparky in the midfield, started when Mick received a kick in the old love spuds. Tackles then flew in thick and fast and the referee felt it necessary to intervene with a few well placed words to both captains. No sooner had this been said then captain Spivey was felled in a clash of heads that could be heard all across the Rec, even Quentin Tarantino would have winced at the amount of blood spouting forth. Luckily Dr Cope was there to thrust a bloody great sponge in his face, which stopped the blood and Spivey's breathing at the same time. What a result! Having used all their subs, Bere saw out the rest of the game with only ten men and picked up another valuable three points without too much concern.

This victory took Bere back to the top of the table, but only two points ahead of AC Matravars, who will be visiting in two week's time for a decisive battle. Next stop, bottom of the league Stickland, although given recent performances this will be no walkover.

Sundays

Greenridge 5: Bere Regis 1

Back to the league, yet Bere still cannot find that winning, or even drawing, touch. Teams don't come much tougher than Greenridge to get points off and Bere certainly battled their little hearts out but nothing seems to work. In fact, such is the way of things now, that it was left to Ian Macklin, the keeper, to score Bere's only goal of the game.

On the bright side, Bere appear to have played most of the 'A' teams in the league now and can look forward to next week and pitting their wits against a team that they actually have a chance of gaining some points from.

Lloyds TSB 1: Bere Regis 3

There are some strange things that have happened in recent weeks; a simple Texan becoming the most powerful man in the world again; Everton remaining third in the Premiership; Adam Moss playing one game without getting booked! All this is topped by the strange feeling that Bere's Sunday players experienced this week, that winning feeling!

A thoroughly deserved win it was too as Bere dominated the proceedings and could have had the proverbial hatful if Tom Bennett had brought both his shooting boots this week. As it was, he brought just enough for the two goals and with Triston Gale chipping in for the other Bere were on cloud nine. Obviously, the manager, Adam Rogerson, takes all the credit for an inspired substitution at a key point in the game when he sent on the quintessential supersub……himself!! Setting up the decisive second goal and then the final goal he was in a league all of his own…a man amongst boys…..a king amongst princes….at least that is what he told me!!

Their first points and the question on everyone's lips is….is this the start of something big?

Bere Regis 2: Poole Labour Club 11

The answer is….no!!!

Saturdays

Bere Regis 2: Cranborne Res 1

Last year, Cranborne beat Bere twice in games tighter than Lisa Riley's thong. This time it was Bere's turn in stormy conditions both on and off the pitch to get a deserved three points.

With a force 10 gale at their backs in the first half it was vital that Bere took enough of a lead to last the second. No surprise, therefore, that Cranborne took the lead as Dean showed the kind of co-ordination in heading the ball that would have Stephen Hawking laughing! Not only did he miss the ball completely in the wind but the ball struck his hand for a very dubious penalty decision. The penalty itself was just as comical as the Cranborne player scuffed it towards goal and Paddles dived past it. Thankfully, this was just the incentive Bere needed to have a real go at the opposition and the rest of the half saw Cranborne penned in by a Bere team more fired up than a pyromaniac in a fireworks factory. Tackles were firing in from both sides, a little bit of fisticuffs from our very own Ahmir Walker after a diabolical tackle from a Cranborne player, but Bere could still not find that elusive goal. Neal Percy was, once again, awesome going forward on the right, running the full back more ragged than a tramp on a dress down day. Yet, it was not until the last minute of the first half that Bere finally managed to get their deserved equaliser. A nice deep corner by young Percy found Wayne unmarked at the far post and his header was precision itself just inside the post.

Bere came out for the second half with some trepidation given the conditions, but deciding attack is the best form of defence they went for the throat from the off. Forced to pass the ball around due to the wind conditions they suddenly found how easy it is to play the game of football. Confidence oozed through the team as the midfield snapped into the tackles, the defence became an impregnable barrier and the forwards played with the kind of understanding that comes from years of practice in the Cope back garden. All that lacked was a goal from a performance that eventually forced Cranborne into a hit and hope approach, which almost worked but for one of those Spivey tackles that rolled back the years to the time he had hair and pace (sounds like a comedy duo!). With ten minutes to go, Bere finally made the breakthrough that their total football deserved. An inch perfect cross from a Kev Cox free kick (I never thought I would write that!) found Squint unmarked in the area and his perfectly timed header (nor that!) arrowed into the top corner. This sparked the kind of celebrations usually reserved for winning a cup final; or Kev Cox buying a drink; or Stu or Al Moorse helping with the nets; with more hugs than a love struck bear. Bere played out the last few minutes with little problem and pocketed another three points.

With two wins in a row, Bere found themselves in a surprise first place after two games. Luckily, Kev Cox doesn't know the meaning of the word complacency (no really, he doesn't!) so the visit of Sturminster Marshall next week should keep Bere on their toes.

Bere Regis 6: Stur Marshall Res 4

Bere have always struggled against the Stur, as shown by two cringe worthy draws last year. However, with the same team available this week as last Kev must have felt hopeful.

This thought soon passed as within five minutes of the start the visitors took the lead with a goal softer than a streaker in the Arctic. Despite this setback, or maybe even because of it, Bere soon established their dominance and were soon playing the passing game that reaped such dividends against Cranborne. The midfield are improving with every game and they gelled once again this week with slick passing, great movement and Neal 'pacey' Percy showing the kind of speed that would have Linford Christie trailing in his wake (and that's with half a ton of jewellery pierced about his body!). The other bonus is Wayne Cope playing in a patch more purple than a whole field full of grapes. Magic touch, inspirational passing and the finishing to match he is starting to look more like Rooney every day, just a few trips to Soho and he's made it. The first goal saw the Cope brothers at their best as a fierce cross shot from Shaun found Wayne steaming in to side foot from close range. From thereon in the first half was all Bere as they pulled Stur apart. They took the lead thanks to Wayne once again as he rounded the keeper only to hit the post and find Neal Percy picking up the pieces, slotting the ball into an empty net. Bere went in at half time 2-1 up and looking good.

The second half started just as well as Wayne picked up from where he left off, teasing the defender into a rash challenge in the penalty area and winning a penalty. Shaun confidently placed the ball, despite missing four practice penalties before the game, and powered the ball into the net. The game soon became even more like Wayne's World as he scored twice in quick succession for his second hat trick in three games, equalling his total tally for last season in just three games, I'd like to see Henry manage that!! Bere were 5-1 up and cruising, but you can never turn your back for a moment with Bere and before you could say defensive mix up Stur had pulled one back. Bere further increased their lead thanks to a controversial goal from Shaun Cope that seemed to have offside written all over it, but given that their linesman was from a different solar system, let alone planet, the referee waved play on and Shaun scored. To say that Bere simply went to sleep after this goal would be like saying Rip Van Winkle had a cat nap! Sloppy substituting meant that Bere played three minutes with only ten men, as Adam tried to extricate himself from all kinds of jewellery, leaving so many holes that when the wind was in the right direction you could hear a little tune coming from his face! Sloppy defending gave the Marshall two clear heading opportunities, which they snapped up with glee and from an unassailable position Bere were starting to look nervous.

Thankfully Bere had given themselves enough of a lead to hold out and another three points were safely banked. One supporter was even heard to say that this was the best team he had seen playing at the Rec for some years, his guide dog just barked!

Still, maximum points from three games are all you can ask for and Bere remained the team to catch.

Bere Regis 6: Handley Sports 0

Despite sitting pretty at the top of the league and Handley languishing near the bottom, Kevin impressed on his players that there are no easy games in this league and Bere could not relax against any team. Nobody listened of course, but coincidentally this was certainly how Bere played in the first half.

The team was, largely, unchanged from the winning formula of last week, with the only exception being a rest week for Paddles at his own insistence due to his habitual back problem (net rash from last week!). This consistency has started an almost psychic (or psychotic in Kev's case) relationship as they stroked the ball around with consummate ease. Bere had more movement than Mr Timberlake; more hunger than Mr Prescott; and more ideas than Mr Einstein. Handley were mere spectators in a maelstrom of football as Hurricane Wayne hit town and caused the kind of damage that only Florida can understand. With brother Shaun as chief provider Wayne plundered his third hat trick in four games in the first half alone, each one a delight. The best of the four goals in the first half, though, was provided by Squint in a move that would have had Brian Clough looking down approvingly. Instinctive one touch passing down the left, an inch perfect cross from Wayne and an unstoppable finish from Tony even earned a round of applause from the crowd, an honour normally reserved for embarrassing own goals or leg breaking tackles from these hardened supporters. Handley, like Tony Blair on the Iraq war, had no answers and were relieved to be only 4-0 down at half time.

The second half was a bit more pedestrian as Bere took their foot off the accelerator and moved to cruise control. In contrast with the first half, the defence had a bit of work to do, but with the class of White, Spivey, Moorse and Rogerson at the back, Dave was little troubled in goal. The only two rays of light in a very murky half were the two headed goals by the Regis. First, an absolute blinder from Si Walker as he rose like a salmon to power the ball in off the bar. Second, Deano Rogerson chased the ball across the area like a terrier and still managed to head in unmarked. Now holding a very healthy lead, Kev felt confident enough to bring on the subs, giving Kev Port, Adam Moss and Paddles a bit of a run (or a stroll in Paddles case). It was good to see the future of Bere Regis in young Adam Moss, fresh from his U18 Dorset trials, who knows he may even get off with probation! Back to the game though and despite Paddles forgetting his goalkeeping gloves (a bit like Schumacher leaving his car in the car park) no more goals were seen and Bere ran out deserved 6-0 winners.

Bere remain top of the league, although a stiffer test awaits in the form of AC Matravars, unbeaten in Div 4 last year and more pumped up than Arnie's pecs. Bring it on!!

Shaftesbury Res 1: Bere Regis 4 (Junior Cup)

A break from the league this week as Bere's cup campaign started in earnest with a long trek to the wilds of North Dorset, maps and provisions were supplied and Ray Mears was made captain for the day!

Bere eventually managed to find the pitch, although Kev was finding it far more difficult to find any players. Injuries to Spivey, Rogerson and Paddles; sickness for Ramsay; holiday for Moorse; and the continuing suspension of Micky meant that Kev was left with a squad thinner than Spivey's hair. Somehow, Kevin managed to rustle up 11 players (no subs), although our flying winger Neal Percy was pitched into goalkeeping duties and Adam Rogerson could only kick the ball with his left foot. Things did not look hopeful.

On the bright side, Bere stuffed them like a turkey at Christmas! From the moment that the keeper punched a wicked corner from Adam into his own net Bere never looked back. This time it was Shaun Cope's turn to plunder a flimsy defence and get his first hat trick of the season. A sublime back heel from brother Wayne set him up for his first goal and Bere headed down the tunnel 2-0 up and looking prettier than the cast of Hollyoaks. This despite several glaring misses that should give Adam and Wayne nightmares for weeks.

The second half started shakily for Bere. A penalty for Shaftesbury after young Mosser tried the type of tackle that his uncle would have been proud of in his heyday, forget the ball where's the man! At 2-1 the game, like Graham Norton, could have gone either way. Luckily, Shaun Cope was on hand to latch on to a through ball and slot home. Unfortunately, Bere's defence lapsed again and another penalty could have brought Shaftesbury right back into the game. They had not reckoned on the agility of Neal Percy as he guessed the right way and held the ball at the second attempt. The finale was left to Shaun Cope as an inch perfect free kick from Rob White found him in space and he lashed the ball on the volley into the net from fully 25 yards out.

Mission accomplished Bere made their merry way home, wondering who they would get in the next round. Unfortunately, Bere missed the glamour teams like Drimpton and Pymore (Dean's personal favourite, but only because he mixed up the syllables) and have ended with a home tie against Piddlehinton. Football's coming home looks like it!!

Sundays

Bere Regis 2: Sandford 9

This could be a long and hard season for Bere's youngsters in Division 1, where the cream of Dorset football awaits them and they don't come much creamier than Sandford! With more talent on show than can be found in Graham Price's boudoir Sandford tore Bere apart. The kids could not be faulted for their effort though, young Mike Walker making a particularly impressive debut on the right, but experience always tells and it was certainly telling a lot in this game. Tom Bennett and Pete Macklin scored a goal each for the home side, but this was a small consolation at the end of the day. You learn from your mistakes and the team certainly learnt a lot in this game!

Windgreen Corfe Mullen 3: Bere Regis 1

A better effort than last week, but Bere still cannot that elusive first point of the season. The most memorable part of the game was Nick White's contribution, cramming more into twenty minutes of football than most mere mortals can do in a season. Firstly, he lashed in a marvellous goal just to remind us all of what we have been missing in his absence through injury. Secondly, he got booked, once again just to remind the referees what they have been missing during his absence through injury. Finally, he got injured again, probably to avoid any more bookings and a serious cash flow problem as a result. Bere missed more than enough chances to take this game, but on the bright side at least they made the chances.

Adam has yet to field his strongest eleven so must be fairly encouraged with a closer result, but there is still a long, long way to go yet.

Bere Regis 0: Branksome Railway 9 (CUP)

They say that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing………

Saturdays

Bere Regis 2: Cranborne Res 1

Last year, Cranborne beat Bere twice in games tighter than Lisa Riley's thong. This time it was Bere's turn in stormy conditions both on and off the pitch to get a deserved three points.

With a force 10 gale at their backs in the first half it was vital that Bere took enough of a lead to last the second. No surprise, therefore, that Cranborne took the lead as Dean showed the kind of co-ordination in heading the ball that would have Stephen Hawking laughing! Not only did he miss the ball completely in the wind but the ball struck his hand for a very dubious penalty decision. The penalty itself was just as comical as the Cranborne player scuffed it towards goal and Paddles dived past it. Thankfully, this was just the incentive Bere needed to have a real go at the opposition and the rest of the half saw Cranborne penned in by a Bere team more fired up than a pyromaniac in a fireworks factory. Tackles were firing in from both sides, a little bit of fisticuffs from our very own Ahmir Walker after a diabolical tackle from a Cranborne player, but Bere could still not find that elusive goal. Neal Percy was, once again, awesome going forward on the right, running the full back more ragged than a tramp on a dress down day. Yet, it was not until the last minute of the first half that Bere finally managed to get their deserved equaliser. A nice deep corner by young Percy found Wayne unmarked at the far post and his header was precision itself just inside the post.

Bere came out for the second half with some trepidation given the conditions, but deciding attack is the best form of defence they went for the throat from the off. Forced to pass the ball around due to the wind conditions they suddenly found how easy it is to play the game of football. Confidence oozed through the team as the midfield snapped into the tackles, the defence became an impregnable barrier and the forwards played with the kind of understanding that comes from years of practice in the Cope back garden. All that lacked was a goal from a performance that eventually forced Cranborne into a hit and hope approach, which almost worked but for one of those Spivey tackles that rolled back the years to the time he had hair and pace (sounds like a comedy duo!). With ten minutes to go, Bere finally made the breakthrough that their total football deserved. An inch perfect cross from a Kev Cox free kick (I never thought I would write that!) found Squint unmarked in the area and his perfectly timed header (nor that!) arrowed into the top corner. This sparked the kind of celebrations usually reserved for winning a cup final; or Kev Cox buying a drink; or Stu or Al Moorse helping with the nets; with more hugs than a love struck bear. Bere played out the last few minutes with little problem and pocketed another three points.

With two wins in a row, Bere found themselves in a surprise first place after two games. Luckily, Kev Cox doesn't know the meaning of the word complacency (no really, he doesn't!) so the visit of Sturminster Marshall next week should keep Bere on their toes.

Bere Regis 6: Stur Marshall Res 4

Bere have always struggled against the Stur, as shown by two cringe worthy draws last year. However, with the same team available this week as last Kev must have felt hopeful.

This thought soon passed as within five minutes of the start the visitors took the lead with a goal softer than a streaker in the Arctic. Despite this setback, or maybe even because of it, Bere soon established their dominance and were soon playing the passing game that reaped such dividends against Cranborne. The midfield are improving with every game and they gelled once again this week with slick passing, great movement and Neal 'pacey' Percy showing the kind of speed that would have Linford Christie trailing in his wake (and that's with half a ton of jewellery pierced about his body!). The other bonus is Wayne Cope playing in a patch more purple than a whole field full of grapes. Magic touch, inspirational passing and the finishing to match he is starting to look more like Rooney every day, just a few trips to Soho and he's made it. The first goal saw the Cope brothers at their best as a fierce cross shot from Shaun found Wayne steaming in to side foot from close range. From thereon in the first half was all Bere as they pulled Stur apart. They took the lead thanks to Wayne once again as he rounded the keeper only to hit the post and find Neal Percy picking up the pieces, slotting the ball into an empty net. Bere went in at half time 2-1 up and looking good.

The second half started just as well as Wayne picked up from where he left off, teasing the defender into a rash challenge in the penalty area and winning a penalty. Shaun confidently placed the ball, despite missing four practice penalties before the game, and powered the ball into the net. The game soon became even more like Wayne's World as he scored twice in quick succession for his second hat trick in three games, equalling his total tally for last season in just three games, I'd like to see Henry manage that!! Bere were 5-1 up and cruising, but you can never turn your back for a moment with Bere and before you could say defensive mix up Stur had pulled one back. Bere further increased their lead thanks to a controversial goal from Shaun Cope that seemed to have offside written all over it, but given that their linesman was from a different solar system, let alone planet, the referee waved play on and Shaun scored. To say that Bere simply went to sleep after this goal would be like saying Rip Van Winkle had a cat nap! Sloppy substituting meant that Bere played three minutes with only ten men, as Adam tried to extricate himself from all kinds of jewellery, leaving so many holes that when the wind was in the right direction you could hear a little tune coming from his face! Sloppy defending gave the Marshall two clear heading opportunities, which they snapped up with glee and from an unassailable position Bere were starting to look nervous.

Thankfully Bere had given themselves enough of a lead to hold out and another three points were safely banked. One supporter was even heard to say that this was the best team he had seen playing at the Rec for some years, his guide dog just barked!

Still, maximum points from three games are all you can ask for and Bere remained the team to catch

Saturdays

Bere Regis 5: Milborne St Andrew 3

Some teams try to crack the Far East market in the pre-season; some try to crack the American market; Bere were busy trying to crack Dorchester market in their pre-season, but there were no offers. This was not surprising given the fact that their biggest commodity was being courted in Spain by The Welcome Inn no less, thankfully Mr White showed a bit more loyalty than Michael Owen and Bere's team remained largely unchanged for the new season.

With no win in any of the friendly matches things did not look promising. Add to this the fact that Mick Mahoney, last year's player of the year, was suspended for foul and abusive language (hard to believe, I know!) and Bere were a bit apprehensive, especially as they lost their first game of the season to this very team last year. However, Kev Cox was parading his new signings in the starting line up, the Pires-lookalike Sean Pettitt, to add a little Gallic flair (or was it garlic?) and with Simon Walker's own British Steel alongside him it looked a good combination on paper. Thankfully, it looked just as good on grass as the Coxed four in midfield clicked instantly and started creating chances from the off. Neal Percy was devastating on the right with more moves than Pickfords, whilst Sean Pettitt and Kev Cox were just as busy creating havoc in the middle. It was not long before the Cope brothers up front were taking the tantalising chances being served up. The first goal was created by Shaun as he picked the pocket of a sleeping defender and slotted the ball straight into Wayne's path. The second was an absolute marvel from Wayne as he saw the keeper off his line expecting the cross and found the top corner from right by the touchline. By then the Milborne keeper was starting to make Calamity James look like a world class keeper and his bad day turned worse when he rushed out to collect a long clearance only for it to bounce over his head! That time he was lucky, the next time he was not as Neal Percy had spotted this weakness and took advantage of the next miss to run on and smash the ball home. Milborne snatched a precious goal near the end of the half with their only shot of the half, as a blistering free kick was too hot for Dave to handle. No matter, Bere were 3-1 up at half time and looking for more goals in the second.

The second half was a much different story. It must have been the heat as, in conditions that would have had Paula Radcliffe sitting down on the touchline again, Bere wilted. Luckily, Wayne was still on top of his game and made it 4-1 soon after the break to pick up a well deserved hat trick. I say luckily because the rock solid defence from last year were looking rocky this year. First, Dave Ramsay spilled a tame shot straight to the Milborne forward for 4-2. Then, some bad communication between Dave and Rob almost let them in for a third. A comical collision in the penalty area; an offside trap that couldn't catch a cold; passing sloppier than a school dinner; the defending was so bad you would have thought Keegan was manager. Just in time, one of the Cope brothers popped up to score! A well timed challenge from Spivey, a precision lay off from Wayne and it was Shaun's turn to find the net as the ball squirmed under the keeper's body. This was still not enough, though, as Milborne adopted the kind of 'never say die' attitude that Dracula would have been proud of. A free kick from 30 yards out was meat and drink to their free kick specialist and with the kind of technique that Beckham used in those B.C. days (Before Cheatin') he whipped the ball off the post and in. It was such a good kick two of Bere's players stood and applauded, you wouldn't see that in the Premiership!! No matter, with ten minutes to go Bere's defence finally sorted itself out and Milborne could not get through. This was helped by a couple of clouts to our keeper that made him so angry he suddenly turned into The Incredible Celt, hurling himself into challenges with reckless abandon. This was enough to frighten the forwards into submission and Bere played out the final minutes to end up worthy winners.

With a Sally Gunnell performance such as this (effective, but not pretty), they would need to improve to at least a Kelly Holmes next week against Cranborne, or a Maria Sharupova would be nicer!

Sundays

Bere Regis 2: Longfleet, St Marys 3

So, with Bere's long serving and long suffering Sunday manager now retired the search was on for a new one. Would the club choose the experience of Bobby Robson….the French connections of Gerard Houllier…..the management skills of Clive Woodward?? All these were considered, but at the end of the day the club decided to go with a manager who lives within walking distance of the person who washes the kit...I couldn't see Sven doing that (not unless the washer woman was young and sexy anyway). No, Adam Rogerson was the man of the moment, not only was he good at getting the kit, he wasn't bad at getting players as he rustled up enough for a 3-1 win over Stickland in a friendly, then another 14 for this game.

There were a lot of young fresh faces on the pitch this season…Brendan Owers, Triston Gale, Ryan Pettitt, Wayne Rooney (Just checking!). Given that this was the first time some of these players had played in Division One they certainly acquitted themselves well and gave Longfleet the scare of their lives. This was especially impressive considering they lost a key player early on when Sean Pettitt sprained his ankle and was forced to limp off. By then, Bere were already one goal to the good as Texas Tom opened early with a goal set up by Exeter-bound (that's the University not the football club) Stu Moorse. This was the only time that Bere led, though, as Longfleet's experience told and they slowly came back into the game, led and ultimately….won! Having said that, if Bere had put away half the chances that came their way they would have won handsomely, or even just a couple and notbadlookingly would have been nice. As it was, Tom managed a brace with a carbon copy of his first, another simple finish from another Stu Moorse set up.

All in all, a decent enough start with a team that could be going places….Turlin Moor, Sandford, Corfe Mullen. All we need is someone old enough to drive them!!